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Role of Boundaries in Relationships

We suffer from an overload of information, from social media to the supermarket. These choices can either be mundane (food, clothes) or more significant (career). Many are willing to make an informed decision as these choices make up our identity, from what we wear, study, and eat to who we like and spend our lives with. Yet when choosing how we want to be treated by others and even ourselves, we tend to feel overwhelmed and fail to act with integrity.

What are Boundaries?

Part of what makes us are these guidelines for communicating how we want to be treated and the kind of behaviour we accept from others. We also share how we want to treat others and what kinds of behaviours they can expect from us. More popularly, these guidelines are known as Boundaries. Our boundaries help us feel safe, protected and comfortable in various relationships, even one with ourselves. It helps us create a space to act and feel authentically. They allow us to be who we are. Think about what makes you feel comfortable and safe in your skin.

But why are boundaries so important? Naturally, safety and comfort are big reasons, they boost confidence, trust and allow us to be open. Knowing where physically and mentally a boundary separates us from others is useful. At the same time, boundaries are inherently personal; they are derived from our values. When we practice our values in our daily interactions, in how we treat others and the kind of treatment we accept from others - we live more honestly with the ability to make fair judgments in our relationships.

Types of Boundaries

Boundaries encompass various aspects of personal life, including physical, emotional, material, spiritual, time, sexual, financial, and intellectual aspects. Respect is a fundamental boundary. Think about it in this way: how you want to be treated is how you treat others. Boundaries teach us that only our behaviour is in our control. That does not mean that others do not have a responsibility towards us, but all we can do is request that they maintain our boundaries. Upholding someone else’s boundary is a practice of our values and our care for them. We can’t force someone to do either. Boundaries exist on a spectrum from rigid and porous at two extremes and flexible being somewhere in the middle. All of our boundaries have different importance as per the nature of our relationships and experiences.

Boundaries at Work

Boundaries are crucial to maintain at work such as time. We might focus more on creating rigid physical, sexual and material boundaries with our colleagues. Fear of authority may force us to overlook our boundaries, leading to fatigue, imposter syndrome and even burnout. Communicating with confidence and respect when boundaries are breached or upholding them by refusing to overwork, give away credit for your idea or even disrespect others to get ahead can be useful. An employee setting a time boundary might say, “I can’t help you at the moment with the project as you have called me during my personal time. We can discuss this tomorrow at the office.”

Boundaries in Family

Our families hold a deep responsibility to help us feel secure and comfortable in our identity. As we grow up, we realise our identity is separate from our family, especially our parents. Trust and reciprocity make us feel comfortable sharing our emotions and thoughts. We feel safe to explore our sexual identities, like gender and orientation. In the absence of safety in our family, many adults learn to draw rigid emotional, spiritual, material and financial boundaries to protect themselves from abuse and mistreatment. Consistency in drawing boundaries can be beneficial at such times. An intellectual boundary being set may sound like - “I understand that we have opposing views on this matter and while I respect your perspective, please do not impose your views on me.”

Boundaries in Friendships

Friendships can range from acquaintances to close friends. As we get to know someone better, like family, we help each other feel secure in our boundaries by validating them. As a result, our boundaries may grow more flexible and healthy. Expressing ourselves freely and sharing our time and life are a few of the things that deepen the bonds of friendship.

Yet, for many reasons, some individuals may depend on their friends to the detriment of their boundaries. Insecurity, guilt, fear of abandonment or being alone may force us to focus more on our friends' needs and less on our own to maintain the friendship. Interpersonal wounds might make one's boundaries porous, with an insubstantial separation between self and others. Learning how to re-establish boundaries with a trusted friend can be a positive step towards recovery. Friends setting emotional boundaries can say, “I see that you are having a tough time and I want to be there for you but I am emotionally exhausted at the moment, making it difficult for me to actively listen to you.”

Boundaries in Romantic Relationships

Boundaries evolve in romantic relationships. We start slowly with building trust and safety by respecting physical, emotional and sexual boundaries. As they grow closer, boundaries get re-evaluated, adapt or change based on mutual decisions. For example, in a long-distance relationship, time boundaries may need to be adapted for the relationship to flourish. Once both partners know each other's boundaries and feel ready, they might share intimacy through emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual and sexual boundaries. As mutual respect and trust are more important in the initial stages of a relationship, boundaries help lay down a strong foundation for love to grow.

If one or both partners have difficulty communicating, establishing or validating boundaries, they may develop an unhealthy dependence or grow isolated, eventually leading to a breakup. What many call “toxic” may be a misalignment of either too rigid or porous boundaries. Partners with porous boundaries may compromise too much and let go of their sense of self for the sake of their relationship or a false sense of safety. Or those with rigid boundaries may end up invalidating their partner, sometimes even seeding doubt about their values to be uncompromising. A partner communicating their physical boundary may say, “I feel uneasy when you touch me without asking me first, if you can’t respect my space, I may need to step away from this relationship.”

Personal Boundaries

We understood the role of boundaries in our interpersonal relationships as well as our responsibility to determine and communicate them to our bosses, parents, friends and partners. But what happens when others violate our boundaries? Personal boundaries are the behaviours we accept from ourselves; it’s the standards we hold ourselves to. They stem from the belief that we deserve the same values we afford everyone else around us. Of course, we can’t enforce them, but we can choose to remove ourselves from situations and relationships where our boundaries are grossly violated leading to us feeling unsafe or uncomfortable. A personal emotional boundary being set may sound like “I am not comfortable sharing my photos on social media” or “I will have to step back from this relationship as I feel uncomfortable when my gender identity is not respected.”

Some ways to maintain our boundaries include self-reflection on our needs and priorities, starting slowly and establishing boundaries early, assertive communication, being consistent and lastly, holding compassion for ourselves when we make mistakes.